Epiphanies

Today was not a good day. Today, I had to let my employers in on what’s happening with my being treated for PD. There’s no way around telling them this. The meds I’m on have side effects, some of which could affect being able to do my job. I am experiencing three: dry mouth, postural dizziness—essentially, I get dizzy whenever I change direction or position—and falls. Since I started on this med, I have eaten dirt more than a few times. I haven’t fallen at work because I can feel it coming and there’s almost always something to hold on to. Home’s a different story. That’s where all the good falls occur.




I started this process by talking to a union rep. She told me that I must let them in on it, that if I don’t disclose my condition and a resident gets hurt, then I could lose my job. She offered to go in with me to talk to the administrator. This was something that she didn’t have to do. The support was nice.



So there I stood, on the verge of tears, telling the administrator and the DON that I am being treated for PD. Time of my life, joy joy, and all that other happy horseshit. I didn’t stay standing for long; a chair seemed excessively inviting. I was slightly proud of myself that I never made it into full-blown waterworks. I managed to hold myself together. I was glad that my union rep was there. I almost wasn’t able to speak.



It sucks, having to do these things. There’s a bit of finality to telling your employer that you have such a staggering problem. Now it’s for real. This is actually happening. I can’t live in denial of it any longer. For their part, my administrator and DON were understanding and full of nothing but kindness. They handed me paperwork for intermittent FMLA just in case I need it and told me to get it in as soon as possible.



Then there’s the problem of falling. It’s bad enough when you’re on your own. When there’s a witness, however, that’s a different story. Laughing is good, except that dizziness thing kicks in and I wind up on the floor, which everyone in my bible study group got to witness. I laughed it off, but it was particularly embarrassing. Of course, I joked about it. “I’m down,” I said sprawled out in the middle of the floor after slipping off the couch. After we closed out the bible study, though, I took my nine pm meds and ran out for a cigarette. My arm was jumping all over the place. I needed to get calmed down.