Living With Fear...

“In the end, there were only two rules for living with fear (he had come to believe conquering fear was a myth), and he repeated them to himself now as he say waiting.
I must accept those things over which I have no control.
I must turn my adversities into advantages.”
—Under the Dome by Stephen King
“I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me.”
—Philippians 4:13 (NAB)

I am afraid.  I’m afraid of what’s to come.  If anyone who has Parkinson’s or any other progressive disease says otherwise, they’re either lying or in denial.  I’m afraid of what my body’s going to do.  I’m afraid of what’s going to go haywire next.  I’m afraid of what this is going to mean for my family financially.  I’m afraid of the choices that are going to eventually have to be made, even though I’ve already made them (and made them known for that matter).
Stephen King is hauntingly right.  Conquering fear, if truth be told, is a myth.  I’m not talking fear as in bogeymen coming out of the closet, or not wanting to talk to someone because you think they might not like you, or a surety that you’re going to do bad on some silly test.  I’m not even talking about being queasy around spiders or when you get too close to high places.  That stuff is apprehension, and apprehensions can be conquered.  I’m talking about deep rooted, not going to go away, and will in all probability fuck up your life fear.  This can’t be conquered; only lived with.
Mr. King also in the quote from his book that I used gives sound advice.  I can’t change that I have Parkinson’s, but I can accept it.  Neither can I change that I’m more limited in what I can do than I was a few years ago.  I can live with it, though.
Does that sound like a pretty positive attitude?  Does that sound like I have it all together?  Unquestionably not is your answer.  I once had someone comment on my “positive outlook.”  I wanted to tell her about all the times I sat up at night, letting my fear of my PD get the best of me.  This leads to some rather dark places (not to worry about those, they’re not that dark, just a bit depressing that puts me on the verge of tears, but no further).  I wanted to tell her that I don’t have it together, that it’s just a face I put on in public and that I’m screaming for God to take this away and give it to someone else.  Just a note about the “someone else” part: I wouldn’t wish PD on my worst enemy.  
I’m stuck with two choices.  Either I choose to accept that I have PD, and that I have new limitations, and that I will continue to have new limitations, or I choose to refuse to accept this adversity that I face and sink into a depth of depression that is dangerous.  There’s this thing I have about being depressed, even though I have a tendency to get depressed about my condition, I don’t like being so.  No, that’s not a strong enough sentiment.  I loathe—I still need better—I know, I abhor being depressed with everything that I hold dear.  In two words, it sucks.
I quoted the last two lines of the Stephen King quote to a friend of mine the other day.  An interesting question arose from that: “How do I turn my weaknesses into strengths,” she asked.  This took me aback.  I had to ask myself the same question.
Personally, my faith plays a huge part in doing so.  In fact, I believe that apart from God, I can’t take my weaknesses and turn them into strengths.  I particularly like the second quote I used from Philippians: “I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me.”  There’s another good passage of scripture on this: “I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 COR 12:10 NAB)
I’m not going to get into the theological meanings of these.  I will elaborate on them, being as how my faith is such a part of who I am, but I must realize that I’m not some trained theologian.  I don’t have the education and insights to do such.  I’ve tried to do that before, and I have no idea how right I am in my statements in those posts.  I’m just going to try to tie them into my life and how I find them helpful in dealing with my PD.
I think, though, the key into turning weakness into strength is in being content in my situation.  My hand shakes, along with my foot, but I can still walk.  When I get up in the morning, I’m stiff as a board and my shakiness is through the roof, but my meds help.  My one medication, Azilect, has gone up to $75 per month, but my insurance has a 90 day mail order option that costs $150 for that 90 day supply instead of the $225 I would have to pay getting 30 days at a time.  I have a harder time doing things like opening a milk carton and I get tired much quicker and easier, but I can still work.  If I remember these things, and am content with my situation, then that positive attitude that someone commented on is easy to come by.  Believe it or not, even though I’m not always told this (although the “positive attitude” friend did say this, too), being content with my situation inspires people; and that’s a strength.
On the converse, I’ve also been known to get really pissed off about things, too.  It tends to piss me off that the “gold standard” drug is the same one that’s been used for sixty years.  I don’t even take that one, as it’s believed that it loses effectiveness over time.  That gets my goat, too.  Also, new diagnostic tools (such as a DAT Scan, which can definitively diagnose Parkinson’s), just now got approved by the FDA even though it’s been in use in Europe for the past ten years.  To top it off, insurance companies won’t even dream of covering such a “new” test such as that.  It kills me that hospitals still, after all this time, don’t know how to treat a PD patient.  I had one “parky” friend once tell me that she was given Haldol in the ER.  Haldol works on the dopaminergic pathways is should never, never, never, never, be given to someone with PD.  I’ve heard of worse, but won’t elaborate on this any further.  I’ve made my point.
Dwelling on those things leads to nowhere good.  It leads to apathy.  It leads to depression.  It leads to bitterness.  Bitterness is the worst.  Everyone has had to deal with someone who’s bitter, who doesn’t seem to know how to make a positive statement.  Someone who wouldn’t do so even at gunpoint.  Someone who sees the world as always horrible, and everything everyone around them does is met with conspiracy theories.  No one wants to deal with a person like that.
So, I’m going to put it out there.  Try being content with your situation.  Even though you deal with problems (PWPs are not the only people with problems, I do realize that), be content with your situation and trust that God will take care of it.  If you do that, he’ll always present the opportunity to be able to deal with your problem.  Just be aware, the way to deal with it may not be your way.  Hell, to tell the truth, you may not like it.  Then again, if not God’s wisdom, then who’s?